the shift

2006-11-20T00:27:00.000-08:00

The Air of Freedom?

Alhamdulillah, the final exam has come to the end. It's been a while since I last wrote something on this blog. I intentionally forget about this blog for the sake of the exam. Konon nak study. Huhu. The study leaves didn't go well. I played a lot for this semester. Horribly, a lot. When i say a lot, I really mean it! I was ignorant about the exam. I thought the study leaves would be enough but i was wrong. I just couldn't stop playing. I wasted the time. How stupid I was...

Being a macho wannabe, I acted like nothing happened. I kept telling myself to be cool. "You are good man. You'll be just fine." At first, it worked. However, as the first exam approached, I got panic! I was shaking like mad. The optimistic manner went "poof". Gone.

"I m dead meat."

The whole exams were hellish for me. I struggled like a fly that got stucked to a spider web. Enough said. I did badly during in this exam though I've tried my best.

I couldn't sleep properly lately. Yes, the exam is over but the adrenaline rush is still in my vein. There are too many ongoing contemplation; things that i regret, things that wish i would have done on vice-versa no. No regrets. They don't work, no regrets now, they only hurt. They sure did. I felt like a jerk. Jerk?

"You sure are!"

Learn from these BIG mistakes. Yes! Giving up and feeling sad for my own foolishness won't help much. Whatever the result is, insyaAllah, I will try to accept it.

*Lesson*

"Demi masa. Sesungguhnya manusia berada dalam kerugian. Kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan kebajikan serta saling menasihati untuk kebenaran dan saling menasihati untuk kesabaran" [Al-'Asr: 1-3]

2006-10-21T01:05:00.000-07:00

babling v 1.0I called ibu as soon as we finished jamaah maghrib prayer. Alhamdulillah, ibu said everyone's fine. She was expecting my phone call. It almost been 3 weeks since I last called home. The overwhelming workload separated me from the outside world. There were too many assignments to finish. Plus, the final exam is just around the corner. I hardly have enough air to breath.

Poor ibu. It must be hard for her for this eid. I use to be around, bugging her. May Allah look after her. Honestly, I am feeling sad right now. Allahu 'alam. I am holding myself from falling apart. Really hope to get back home at this moment. I missed the moment before eid. I missed the moment when I seek forgiveness from abah and ibu after solat sunat hari raya.

May Allah give me strength to go through all this. I choose this path. Someone said "serves you right." But it doesn't matter. The search of journey has never been easy. This road is filled with hardshipness.

2006-10-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

the video

this is the video that i mentioned in my previous post. try to listen to this while reading the meaning of the ayah. beautiful! masyaAllah.

2006-10-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

a new shift

peace be upon you. alhamdulillah, i am still breathing. the Almighty Allah still give me the opprtunity to live on HIS earth. thank Allah for every heart beat, every single oxygen molecule that i inhale, every cc blood that runs in my system, and many more. thank you Allah for all these. indeed, you are the most powerful and the most generous.

i woke up this morning with a different feeling. i can't find any word to describe this feeling. for sure, i felt guilty for many things; i regretted upon many things. i felt like i am missing something very important. but, i was just not sure what are they. that feelings continued to cross into my mind until fajr came.

i went for jamaah on prayer with those brothers this morning. right after the prayer, i joined the ma'thurat recitation. i felt... strangely relaxed. it soothed my heart. soon after the recitation ended, i went back to my 3rd bedroom and put my notebook power on.

i browsed through the internet and opened one of my favourite akh's weblog. and there, i found a video clip that i watched before. i sat still and played the video. the video was about a ghulam reciting the first 12 ayah of surah yaasiiin. masyaAllah!!! it was so beautiful. the ayah touched my heart. it reached into the deepest part of my heart... only Allah know...

it made me cry. it made me thought of my sins, my wrongdoings. suddenly, i realised how rotten my soul is. how faulty my heart is. Allah give me everything; live, health, love, family, education, and the utmost ni'mat; iman and islam. yet, i still commit sins. i do things that HE forbid. i leave things that HE favour. astaghfirullahal 'azim... how foolish i am!

i realised how bad the level of iman is. i realised how diverted i am. i need an islah! yes, i realised that i must change. now! not later. indeed, now! starting from this moment...

thank you Allah for reminding me. thank you Allah for this priceless ni'mat. please give me strength to be istiqamah with this islah. please give me strength to go through every torn in my path of islah. please put me among people that receive your redha ya Allah...